Source.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Chimp Care For Dummies
From Ehow.com:
Chimp-proof your home by making sure anything breakable or valuable is in a safe place when the chimpanzee is free.
Clean and disinfect the chimpanzee's space daily. He'll urinate, defecate and possibly masturbate over everything. Be ready.
Make sure there's sunlight for the chimp to provide essential vitamin D; otherwise, provide the vitamin D orally.
Don't leave the chimpanzee unwatched while she's free.
They forgot:
Fasten a neck choke explosive device around your chimpanzee's neck (as seen in the film THE RUNNING MAN) to be detonated if your chimpanzee glances at you in a hungry fashion.
Full instructions here.
Chimp-proof your home by making sure anything breakable or valuable is in a safe place when the chimpanzee is free.
Clean and disinfect the chimpanzee's space daily. He'll urinate, defecate and possibly masturbate over everything. Be ready.
Make sure there's sunlight for the chimp to provide essential vitamin D; otherwise, provide the vitamin D orally.
Don't leave the chimpanzee unwatched while she's free.
They forgot:
Fasten a neck choke explosive device around your chimpanzee's neck (as seen in the film THE RUNNING MAN) to be detonated if your chimpanzee glances at you in a hungry fashion.
Full instructions here.
8 Feet Tall And Full Of Muscle
Some locals say they are eight feet tall and weigh 20 stone. Others claim they are even bigger, equipped with huge flesh-ripping teeth and muscles capable of dismembering a man.
Forest dwellers have told visiting explorers and scientists of a ferocious grey ape, with the cunning of a chimpanzee and the power and size of a gorilla - and a taste for meat rather than the shrubbery loved by most apes.
For, unlike most apes, these are predators - capable of hunting not only forest antelope but, incredibly, lion and leopard too. And to cap it all, like wolves, these fearsome beasts howl at the Moon.
Source.
Forest dwellers have told visiting explorers and scientists of a ferocious grey ape, with the cunning of a chimpanzee and the power and size of a gorilla - and a taste for meat rather than the shrubbery loved by most apes.
For, unlike most apes, these are predators - capable of hunting not only forest antelope but, incredibly, lion and leopard too. And to cap it all, like wolves, these fearsome beasts howl at the Moon.
Source.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Meat Market
"We found that females copulated more frequently with males who shared meat with them at least on one occasion, than with males who never shared meat with them, indicating that sharing meat with females improved a males' mating success," the report said.
A man unknowingly shares meat with a female chimpanzee.
Source.
A man unknowingly shares meat with a female chimpanzee.
Source.
More Projectiles
A zoo worker placed herself in a blind to observe the chimpanzee's behaviour and found that, for five consecutive days before the opening of the zoo, Santino gathered stones from the water and placed them in the caches.
The following year, the chimpanzee added pieces of concrete to his ammunition, and was observed gently knocking on concrete rocks to break off smaller, disc-shaped pieces.
Since the initial finding, caretakers at the zoo have removed hundreds of caches.
A cache of deadly projectiles intended for human targets.
They should have had Stone Day at the zoo and issued a rock to every visitor to throw at this scheming menace.
Source.
The following year, the chimpanzee added pieces of concrete to his ammunition, and was observed gently knocking on concrete rocks to break off smaller, disc-shaped pieces.
Since the initial finding, caretakers at the zoo have removed hundreds of caches.
A cache of deadly projectiles intended for human targets.
They should have had Stone Day at the zoo and issued a rock to every visitor to throw at this scheming menace.
Source.
Projectiles
Nandita Mondol, a resident of Naihati, had come to the zoo with her family and was standing near the chimpanzee enclosure along with hundreds of people when one of the primates hurled a stone at the crowd. The stone hit Mondol in her forehead and she sustained minor injuries. She was rushed to the zoo office for first aid but could not get any.
Source.
Source.
My Personal Hell
Pure terror. Poor cat's probably afraid to tell the chimp he's causing chafing.
Click on the image for animated horror.
Click on the image for animated horror.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Drunk
Chimpanzees in western Uganda are increasingly raiding illegal brewing operations in forested river valleys and getting drunk on the country beer. Once intoxicated, they become hostile and attack and at times kill human children, parks officials say.
Novel
It was a dark and stormy night and my human captor, who lovingly cared for me since my infancy, was reaching for me. Reaching for me with those ten pink snacks, each with a red-painted tip. I shall bite them off...
Infanticide
This touching moment [for chimp lovers, that is] won't last very long:
Alerted to the killings by sounds of chimpanzee screams, the researchers directly observed one infanticide, and found strong circumstantial evidence for two others. Evidence suggested that in two of the cases, the killings were perpetrated by groups of resident females against "stranger" females from outside the resident group. Infants were taken from the mothers, who were injured in at least two of the attacks; in at least one case, adult males in the area exhibited displaying behavior, with one old male unsuccessfully attempting to separate the females.
Source.
Alerted to the killings by sounds of chimpanzee screams, the researchers directly observed one infanticide, and found strong circumstantial evidence for two others. Evidence suggested that in two of the cases, the killings were perpetrated by groups of resident females against "stranger" females from outside the resident group. Infants were taken from the mothers, who were injured in at least two of the attacks; in at least one case, adult males in the area exhibited displaying behavior, with one old male unsuccessfully attempting to separate the females.
Source.
Who Would Kill This Cutie?
Chimps, that's who.
The researchers saw 10 different chimps fashioning spear-like tools to forcibly jab at nocturnal primates known as lesser bushbabies (Galago senegalensis), which sleep inside hollow branches or tree trunks during the day. After their attacks, the chimps sniffed or licked their weapons, as if to see whether or not they shed blood.
Source.
Chimp Mountain
His friend's hand was a mangled mess, most of it was gone. The station wagon had stalled after the driver desperately tried to ram through a gate. And now the chimpanzee that had attacked them on an isolated mountain road in West Africa was coming at them again.
The chimp "went across the top of the car, and that's when . . . it was just a flurry trying to get away from it. Melvin got pulled out of the car by it."
Source
The chimp "went across the top of the car, and that's when . . . it was just a flurry trying to get away from it. Melvin got pulled out of the car by it."
Source
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Christmas Wish
A coworker of mine brought her child to the office a few days before Christmas. She told her kid to tell us what she wanted from Santa. She sheepishly replied "A monkey."
I turned and asked her if she meant one of those tiny ones or a chimp. She informed me she was wishing for a chimpanzee.
You can bet I educated her on the dangers of owning one of those killers.
I turned and asked her if she meant one of those tiny ones or a chimp. She informed me she was wishing for a chimpanzee.
You can bet I educated her on the dangers of owning one of those killers.
St. James Davis
In the melee, one of the chimps dug in his claws and ripped the skin off the right side of St. James's face, causing it to flop over and cover his left eye, temporarily blinding him. One of the primates sunk his teeth into St. James's skull. He then closed his jaws on St. James's mouth, ripping off his lips and most of his teeth.
Humanzee
"You could send him on chores. He would take the wheelbarrow and empty the hay and straw from the stalls. And when it was time to feed the dogs, he would get the pans, and mix the dog food for me. I'd get it ready and he'd mix it,'' she said. As he grew older, Oliver also acquired habits normally enjoyed only by humans, including a cup of coffee and a nightcap. "This guy, Oliver, he enjoyed sitting down at night and having a drink, and watching television. He'd mix his own. He'd pour a shot of whiskey and put some Seven-Up in there, stir it and drink it,'' she recalled.
I can just picture Oliver setting his empty brandy snifter down, slowly getting up from the love seat, quietly shutting the television off, ...and turning to kill me.
Source
I can just picture Oliver setting his empty brandy snifter down, slowly getting up from the love seat, quietly shutting the television off, ...and turning to kill me.
Source
Eating Children
At least eight children have died in the past seven years in Uganda and Tanzania after being taken by chimpanzees, and a further eight injured. The children were found with limbs and other parts of their bodies chewed off.
Dr Gavin said that the technique used by the chimps to kill or maim the children mirrors the way they tear apart other prey, suggesting that they snatched the human young to eat. “In most cases they bite off the limbs first before disemboweling them, just as they would the red colobus monkey which is one of their favourite prey,” he said. 
I Just Smoke Socially
Nicotine + Five Times Human Strength + Cold Turkey = Dead Humans
Charlie, a grown male chimp and the Bloemfontein Zoo, has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them -- a habit he probably picked up by observing humans, zoo officials told the SAPA news agency on Thursday.
"Baby chimps pick up habits by mimicking adults and we think he started mimicking smokers at his enclosure which probably led to smokers throwing him cigarettes," spokesman Daryl Barnes told SAPA.
Barnes said Charlie was already showing the signs of a true nicotine addict.
"He even acts like a naughty schoolboy by hiding the cigarette when staff approach the area," Barnes said, adding that the zoo was determined to help him quit.
Barnes said the most important thing was that people stop providing Charlie with cigarettes or any other treats, noting the chimp already had three bad teeth because of all the cans of sweet soft drinks that people throw at him.
Source.
Charlie, a grown male chimp and the Bloemfontein Zoo, has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them -- a habit he probably picked up by observing humans, zoo officials told the SAPA news agency on Thursday.
"Baby chimps pick up habits by mimicking adults and we think he started mimicking smokers at his enclosure which probably led to smokers throwing him cigarettes," spokesman Daryl Barnes told SAPA.
Barnes said Charlie was already showing the signs of a true nicotine addict.
"He even acts like a naughty schoolboy by hiding the cigarette when staff approach the area," Barnes said, adding that the zoo was determined to help him quit.
Barnes said the most important thing was that people stop providing Charlie with cigarettes or any other treats, noting the chimp already had three bad teeth because of all the cans of sweet soft drinks that people throw at him.
Source.
Butt Ugly
Remember the first time you saw a monkey butt?
That's a show-stopper for sure. Probably at the zoo, right?
"Mommy, what's THAT?!"
"That's a monkey, dear."
"NO, THAT!!!"
No wonder they wear diapers and tutu's. It's the best kept secret of the animal kingdom.
Monkeys have tomato butts.
That's a show-stopper for sure. Probably at the zoo, right?
"Mommy, what's THAT?!"
"That's a monkey, dear."
"NO, THAT!!!"
No wonder they wear diapers and tutu's. It's the best kept secret of the animal kingdom.
Monkeys have tomato butts.
Fingers
Are captive chimpanzee attacks on humans common?
Yeah, definitely common. Most of the time they attack through cage bars. They bite off fingers. It happens more often with people they don't know very well and people who aren't familiar with chimpanzees. But it has happened to many of the best scientists and researchers, who are now missing digits. The reason we have them behind bars in zoos and research settings is because chimpanzees can be very dangerous—it's to protect ourselves. This was a sort of free-ranging chimp, which is much more dangerous. But chimps in the wild are not used to people—they're afraid of them. That's why Jane Goodall had to habituate them. So, really wild chimps don't attack people. But in captivity, they have learned in the meantime that they are stronger than humans.
Source
Yeah, definitely common. Most of the time they attack through cage bars. They bite off fingers. It happens more often with people they don't know very well and people who aren't familiar with chimpanzees. But it has happened to many of the best scientists and researchers, who are now missing digits. The reason we have them behind bars in zoos and research settings is because chimpanzees can be very dangerous—it's to protect ourselves. This was a sort of free-ranging chimp, which is much more dangerous. But chimps in the wild are not used to people—they're afraid of them. That's why Jane Goodall had to habituate them. So, really wild chimps don't attack people. But in captivity, they have learned in the meantime that they are stronger than humans.
Source
Monday, April 13, 2009
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